5 Questions to NOT Ask a New Mom

My son is now three months old. It’s been a wild ride so far! Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t trade my son or our experience thus far for a lifetime supply of tacos (well… maybe).

Alongside the endless amounts of spit-up and shit, accompanied by a colicky grunting and crying baby, I got to repeatedly answer the following ‘enough to send me to the padded room of my dreams’ questions during my first few weeks of motherhood.

1.) “How does your baby sleep?” With his fucking eyes closed! That’s how! You’re a mother; you should know the answer to that question. A newborn should eat every two hours. So what do you think? I feed my child, which takes a damn wonderful bonding filled hour, set my alarm to wake up in another hour and start the process all over again; pending he actually went to sleep after. Ask me again how my baby sleeps.

2.) “Do you just love being a mom?” What kind of dumb-ass question is that? No I hate it! Just kidding, but what if that was my answer? Yes, I love being a mom. It is the hardest, most rewarding and loving experience I have had and I can’t wait for the rest of our lives together.

3.) “Are you breastfeeding?” It amazed me how many people actually asked this question. Look at my boobs, what do you think? Take a guess? Why does the answer to this question matter? Are you going to rate my stamina and worth as a mother based on this answer? My child is fed.

4.) “Are you ready to go back to work?” YES! To those stay at home moms, who are doing more than watching soap operas all day I applaud you! I wish that I could stay home with my son but I need some adult interaction and to get back into my classroom and teach! (Never mind that our finances wouldn’t allow it either…) I am worried about childcare and missing time with my son, is that the answer you want?

5.) “When are you having another?” I’m glad that you think that so far I have proven myself to be half a decent mother and should have another baby. When am I having another? Let’s see if I can survive this one first and actually let my husband get within a couple feet of my non-showered, exhausted, flabby, twenty pounds more than when we got married, bleeding and leaking body.

I’m sure over the course of the rest of my life, I will be tempted to self-admit to the looney bin for many reasons. What nut-house questions were you asked as a new mother?

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